


Dear Darlin'...

by JonsaInTheNorth



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Angst, F/M, Song fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-11
Updated: 2016-12-11
Packaged: 2018-09-07 19:47:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 13
Words: 6,785
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8813962
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JonsaInTheNorth/pseuds/JonsaInTheNorth
Summary: ❝It was short. It was sweet. We tried.❞She was his everything, until she was gone. And then, he began to write...





	1. #0

**Author's Note:**

> I originally wrote this on [my wattpad](https://www.wattpad.com/user/Aerowyn). It is no longer available there. 
> 
> This fic was inspired by the Olly Murs song, Dear Darlin'.  
> Various lines belong to Murs.

Dear Darlin,

Please excuse my writing. I can't stop my hands from shaking, cause I'm cold and alone tonight. They said that time could heal the pain inside of me, yet there is something holding me back from all of it. So, at their advice, I've decided to write to you. As of yet, I don't know exactly what I'm going to say, but I'm going to say something. I'll just bare it all out for you, in hopes that I can heal this pain inside of me.

I've been thinking about the bar we drank in, that little place down the street from our flat. You know the one- it was sort of dirty, hidden in the back alley between the two large apartment complexes. It always has that smoky haze in the air, just sort of hanging there. After it all happened, and you went away, I spent a lot of time there. You know that old bartender who was always there? The tubby, bald guy who must have been seven times our age? His name's Tim. We became pretty close, but eventually it got too bad and I had to stop going.

The lads told me it was an awful idea to wallow my sorrows away in alcohol and conversation with old drunks. They even sent me to someone- the person who first suggested that I write about you. Even though you'll never actually get these letters, I still think I'll put them in little white envelopes. I'll keep them in the ancient wood box beneath our bed- you left that, didn't take it with you. I thought it meant the world too you. I guess it didn't, though.

Sometimes it feels like the sofa is sinking in. Then I realize that you aren't coming from the kitchen with the bowl of popcorn to watch a movie with me, that you aren't coming to throw kernels at me and giggle and eventually end up asleep and tucked into my side. I'll get up and make the popcorn myself and watch one of those movies that you loved, but it's never the same.

I'm cold and alone tonight, but I was warm in the hold of your eyes. How you would stare up at me while we watched those movies, snuggled under a mound of blankets. Your gaze was so dark and intense. I absolutely loved your brown eyes. They were so perfect- the shade of leaves right before they fall onto the ground in the autumn. I remember how much you loved the autumn...

Oh- I can't cope. These arms are yours to hold. They'll always be yours, no matter what. You left me heartbroken, did you know that? I am absolutely devastated. I know you didn't really choose to leave- something in you must have wanted to stay- but you still left me. I go inbetween wanting to crawl back to you and beg to hold your hand one last time, and cursing your name and very existance for leaving me behind to deal with this pain on my own.

All I can hope is that what I am saying gets through to you. If my words break through your wall, I'll meet you at the door with open arms and an open heart. We'll be united again, then, and we can last forever with each other. I have spilled these words out here, and maybe  All I can say is "Girl, I mean them all."

I miss you and nothing hurts like no you. And no one understands what we went through. 

It was short. 

It was sweet. 

We tried; Oh, we tried. I know we tried.

Forever Yours,

_Harry x._


	2. #1

Dear Darlin',

You stood in the center of the clearing, wearing that old, worn trenchcoat and a forest green scarf tucked artfully around your neck. I had no idea who you were, just standing there and enjoying the weather, but I knew I really wanted to know who you were, just from that first look.

Your head was tipped up and your face was towards the sky. Do you remember the rain falling down on your chapped cheeks? You used to love the rain. Sometimes when it rains now, I go and stand outside to try and feel your fingertips running along my skin in the rain again like when we used to go for walks.

I remember on that first day I saw you standing there in the clearing, and your hand reached out to try and grab the raindrops, to feel them fall on your palm. I left the path through the park to go stand directly behind you. You were so focused on the raindrops that you didn't notice me, standing behind you while everyone else ran for cover from the storm. You were too enamored with the water falling down from the sky.

"You can't touch the rain, Darlin'." My first words sound kind of pretentious, now that I write them down. I can't believe that I couldn't come up with something witty, a pithy turn of phrase to catch your interest. Oh well- it still made you look, made you turn to me with those wide eyes of yours and give a quick smile.

"But, darlin', it can touch  _you_." You replied, and blew me away like a spring breeze on a dandelion. That's how it all began between us, so simply and so softly. You were the melancholy whispers of the old sea against the stony beaches, my own summer heat on the pavement. Something so perfect I could not ever find a way to let it go.

But you did.

You left me and broke me and tore this wrecked heart of mine apart. Do you realize that, darlin'? Do you? 

Did that first day mean nothing at all? How we stood side by side and watched the rain fall, and when the sun cleared I took you to the coffee store down the street. We sat and talked about sweet nothing, the rain and coffee and music and the costumes that bedecked the bodies of passerby. Steam wafted off the top of your chai tea latte, and I couldn't help but laugh at the imperfect curl of your beautiful hair ontop of your shoulders.

The way we began was simple in its beauty. It was an imperfect set up, but it led to something great. And now you are all gone and I don't know what to do, here without you. You left me to break on my own. How could you do this to me?

I thought I was your darlin'.

You certainly were mine.

Forever Yours,

_Harry x._

P.S. I still go out and stand in the rain whenever it falls down, to feel closer to you. I've even walked back to your clearing but no matter how hard I try or how often I go, you're never there.

 


	3. #2

Dear Darlin',

My hands have stopped shaking as much every time I sit down to write to you. I know its only been two letters, but these have really seemed to help me to get it all out. Writing about that first time I saw you made me realize just how special you were, and how bad it was that you left. But it also helped me to see that  I can move on.

I don't wait in the rain any more. It rained just last night and I didn't sprint down to the park to try to see you, or even stand out in my yard to feel the rain on my cheeks. I just listened to the pitter-patter on my roof as it cascaded from the heavens, and smiled at the thought of you doing the same wherever it is that you are. You're among the rain.

You didn't let me kiss you until after the first date. I don't remember why I remembered that. Maybe because last week I went to the little cafe we always ate at. Or I almost did. The boys wanted to go, but remembered last minute what it meant to me and we went to the Nandos down the street instead. 

It wasn't the same, even there. I remembered you and I ordering our chicken meals, the soda I spilled across the table when I tried to be romantic and push a strand of hair behind your ears. The boys just don't understand- you and I found our place in this city, and it was with each other. Wherever we went- not even in the city,  _anywhere_ \- became home because I had you with me.

Nothing could stop the fierce determination with which you found and learned all the grounds of the world. Nothing could stop the way I learned every line of your skin, every crinkle by your eye, every note of your laugh. We memorized each other, mind, soul, spirit, until there was nothing else to learn.

I remember that first late night conversation, when you called me as you walked home from work, ready to talk about anything and everything just to hear another person's voice, someone not demanding something from you or screaming in your face. But before I knew it, I found myself driving to get you, because I couldn't stand the thought of you being alone, even for an instant, when it was dark outside.

We made our way into your place, and fell asleep on your couch after talking hours into the night. Everything I ever learned about the inner you came from one of those conversations. 

You love Americanos.  
You're favorite on T.V. was, for some reason, Community's Jeff Winger.  
Childish Gambino was your secret favorite rapper.  
Your grandmother practically raised you, even if your parents were present, it was all her.  
You loved your sisters, but felt small in their shadows.

Your past and present I learned to love, and I wanted to love your future, too.  
But I guess that won't happen anytime soon.

Forever Yours,  
 _Harry x._

P.S. I went back to finish writing this. I had the Americano like you always loved, but added plenty more necessary sugar. You always took it so black and bitter. I never did understand that about you.

 


	4. #3

Dear Darlin',

I still see you. I see you everywhere I look, everywhere I turn, each memory sitting on the table next to me at every restaurant, the pair of us holding hands, walking in front of me. I remembered that time we went ice skating in the park, even as a thousand paparazzi watched us with their flickering cameras and thoughts of headlines for the next hour's web release.

I only knew they were there because our girls tweeted pictures of it at me after we were gone. All kinds of things- manipulations of your face replaced by Louis', or us in wedding clothes, or the girls there instead of you. The best were the ones who tweeted them, just to say how much they loved you, how much they loved me, how much we connected, and how much they noticed the twinkle in my eyes everytime I looked at you.

That was the day I realized I loved you, as we spun in circles and your hat fell into a snowback, as I tripped over my own skates and the bar along the edge of the rink trying to retrieve it for you so your ears wouldn't turn red (although they already were). The hot chocolate warmed my hands as I passed you your cup, but the look in your eyes is what warmed my soul. 

But even after the moment passed, and I knew I loved you, I couldn't find the voice inside me to say it. Something held me back from ever letting you know, just like you never let me know that other thing until it was way too late. But I loved you anyway, even more that day when you stared up into my eyes and let me know you felt it too.

"I love you, Haz." Your eyes blinked furiously and a blush crept up your cheeks. You pushed a thread of hair behind your ear, ducking away and refusing to meet my eyes.

I leaned in to kiss you, but your hands met my chase. Water appeared in the corners of your eyes. "Don't ignore what I've said, please. Please don't leave me wondering."

And I told you everything I held in my heart since the day in the park, under the stars, in the snow. "Your smile lights up the room wherever you walk in. Your eyes are the stars, filled with constellations even the best astronomers would spend millennia studying. Your humor, even when I don't understand it, makes me laugh. You can glare like Sauron, a look fierce enough to bring all the Queen's men to their knees. You're the only one who likes bad puns as much as I do."

All the truths fell out of my mouth like sand running through fingers on the beach. And I wasn't afraid of a single one. "I love you, I love you so much, and I will never forget this day or you, no matter where I may be, because I love you."

We sealed it all with a kiss, our own little deal-sealer. In that moment, all was right, at least for a while.

Forever Yours,

_Harry x._

P.S.  I don't know why I waited so long to say it, why I didn't say it first. I guess I do know, but it sounds so unmanly to admit it. Not that you ever much cared for my manliness. I remember the last time I fell, it never really felt reciporicated. So I was sacred. But I shouldn't have been, not of you.

 


	5. #4

Dear Darlin',

Do you remember the way our bodies fit so classically well together? My hands large, yours smaller but not too small, the perfect medium size to fit between my fingers when we intertwined them. I remember walking with your hand in mine, and it felt like nothing would ever go wrong when we were together.

Our lips met with such fervor every time they met, our kisses ever so passionately. It was that feeling of the strongest emotion, that love, that kept us whole. Until it didn't anymore. 

But our bodies, even after the end began, still fit together. Our first trial was a bit clumsy, two too drunk to understand what they were doing with themselves. Your shy "Wanna  try?" still echoes in my head everytime I sit down on our couch. You pulled off your shirt without a second glance to see if I said yes, because you knew I would.

And then my shirt joined yours and I peeled off the next bit on the way to sacred sin. It was heat and smoke, passion and fire, the joy of being in the girl I loved. Together, we moved with such motion, bodies together and greatness in our visions as we climbed Mt. Everest together.

Even after, as we lay on my bed, cuddled together, you fit against my chest like so much innocence, beautiful and untamed.

 Forever Yours,  
 _Harry x._

P.S. Today someone at an interview accidentally brought up our last days. They normally don't, but it just spilled out of her tongue. We're going on tour soon. It'll be strange not sending you a different post card every day. I think I'll still collect some, as a memento for myself this time.

 


	6. #5

Dear Darlin,

I used to fall asleep to the sound of your voice.

I had these recordings of our conversations, of you telling a story or cracking a joke or singing to me- I don't think you ever noticed when I recorded you, but a lot of those times you got mad at me when I had my phone out when I was with you, it was because I wanted to capture the moment- and I would listen to my phone endlessly playing your voice on repeat, over and over again. It was such a soothing sound when I was away from you, and when we weren't together. I loved touring, I loved singing and seeing the world and traveling and being with my best mates, but I still missed going to sleep with you besides me.

I don't know how I ever survived without you when I was away. The night before I went away on that last, fatal tour, I stayed up and just watched you as you slept. You were so peaceful in your sleep, tucked there under my arm like nothing was going to ever go wrong.

We thought we had the entire world at our fingertips. We believed nothing could go wrong, and how wrong were we?

I didn't stop listening to the tracks of your voice when I went to sleep, after you left. At least not at first. Then Louis came to wake me up one morning when we were in Australia, and he heard the phone playing underneath my pillow. There was so much shouting and screaming after that. He woke up our entire team and all the lads, even though he had just wanted to go out and get coffee with just me that morning. I know he cares about me, and he was just looking out for me. He just didn't understand why I listened to them. None of the boys understood why I was doing it to myself. Looking back, I dont' really understand why I did it to myself.

But your voice was the most soothing sound I could ever have listened to. It was like that time we went on that beach vacation to Swansea. Do you remember how calming and relaxing the waves were as they rolled out in the ocean? It was like time had stood still, and it was just you and me and the great expanse of water as we cuddled up on our little blanket and enjoyed our weekened together. That's what it was like whenever I spoke to you- like I was the only thing in your universe, the center of it, and it was just us there, talking together.

Your voice calmed me and soothed me, and so it helped me to sleep. But when you left, and I still listened to the recordings, it still helped me get to sleep. But I stil got there in tears. After Louis found them, that's when they decided I wasn't doing anything healthy to myself and that I should go see someone. He forced me to delete your voice, too. I'm so sorry I did it. I didn't want to, but maybe it was for the best. Maybe it helped me to move on.

I miss you. So much.

Forever Yours, 

_Harry x._

P.S. I still cry myself to sleep, a lot of the nights. I just can't weather the storm with your voice as my guiding beacon anymore.

 


	7. #6

Dear Darlin',

Coming home was the best feeling in the world, do you know that? Because I wasn't just coming back from tours to a flat with posessions that had a little bit of significance to me. I was coming back to the person who was my home, because you were my love and my family and I would've done anything to keep it that way. It was even home when you visited the boys and I on tour and we shared a hotel, because home wasn't the flat. Home was you.

I was so glad when you agreed to stay forever. It felt like forever, at least, until you left. Before that, I was home wherever I was, as long as you were with me.

I went for a walk in the middle of the night last night, trying to find all the places you loved. I stopped by the bar for a drink, and got a late night coffee before reading your favorite book in the park, on the bench where you and I would sit for hours incognito, hiding from the paps and fans that lurked around.

Remember how you used to stop them and talk to them, and eventually force me to take off the giant sunglasses and cowboy hat? They normally knew, but wanted to hide their obsession that extended to knowing which beautiful girl was mine. It's so sttange to go out and see people and they ask me about you. Everyone wants to know how I'm holding up, to let me know that they all loved you and they loved me and they're hear for me now since your gone.

The truth is, I could probably go on and live my life if you weren't here. Hell, it might even be easier. I wouldn't die or be unable to cope without you. I've never been that kind of person. But... I just don't want to. I really, really don't want to go a day without you. It's not that I need you, that's not why I'm doing this. It's because I want you so bad it hurts. I want to hold you, I want to kiss you, I want to be able to tell you how much I love you every day. That's it. That's why I'm here, putting everything on the line. Because I've never wanted anyone more than I wanted you.

Forever Yours,   
 _Harry x._

P.S. I stopped dreaming for a little while, but now you're back and haunting as ever. You were staring over me last night, watching me as I slept. And I watched you. It was all very meta, and I could probably go into all that over-analysis you loved so much, but it's so  _tiring,_ darling. I can't go on like this much longer. _  
_


	8. #7

Dear Darlin',

Everyone says it's better now that we aren't in the same place anymore, that we aren't hurting together anymore. Zayn says its better that we can both be happy again, that the pain between us is all over. I know it's selfish, but I don't care, I was so much better off when the pain consumed the both of us together because at least then I had someone to hold onto. Anymore, there's no one for me to fight for and I can feel myself slipping.  
  
I went to our bar again today. There was a woman there who knew all about us. You know how they always do. Or at least they seem to think they do. They never really know anything at all.  
  
She and I started talking. She told me she understood were I was coming from, and then she looked at me in almost the same way you used to. With that little tilt of your head, when you would give a half smile and then bite your lip. You would look to the side and tuck a loose strand of hair behind your ear. It was amazing how you could capture me with one single look. She didn't, though. I just stood up and walked away.

I couldn't take it at all, not the way that she was seeming to act concerned, when I know all she wanted was a picture and an autograph or maybe something more, something I couldn't give her. I cannot give that to anyone, because 'something more' is connected to my heart and you  _were_ my something more, my heart, my love.

But when we were talking, she mentioned something to me about how we never once seemed angry with one another. How in every tabloid picture, we were smiling and laughing. The light in my eyes, she claims, has faded with your loss.

And she's right. Because I lost the one person I ever truly loved, and I never got the chance to say I was sorry. Darlin', I was so upset during that stupid fight. You were so right, though, and I knew it. I still know it, and I know that if I hadn't tried to fight back you would still be here. 

I did need to spend more time with you when I was home. I loved you so much, but I took you for granted. I should have taken the time to appreciated you, to kiss every inch of your skin each night and to love you like there was no tomorrow, because the tomorrow is always an unknown variable. Our screaming and fighting could be heard up and down the rain-soaked street, I found out later. The neighbors were so confused what we were arguing about, because they had never heard us squabble ever before.

I still have nightmares about that night. I can smell your perfume, and the heavy rain on the front lawn. I see the tears streaming down your face, and the memories flashback as you look back at me, dashing out the door and into the street. 

We left you on support for three months. I never left your side. I slept on the hospital couch, they canceled the America leg of the tour. The boys all took turns bringing me lunch and dinner. I prayed and begged and cried and bargained more then I ever had in my entire life. But it didn't work, not the way I wanted it to.

One morning, I squeezed your hand. And then, you finally left me. But I know you're still there, just like I'll always be here, waiting.

Forever Yours,  
 _Harry x._

P.S. I bring you flowers every time I come home now. The first floor of the townhouse is covered in them- roses and daffodils and lilies. I've run out of vases to leave them in, so they stay in cups and pitchers and the good set of china. Maybe if I had treated you this way then, you would still be alive.

 


	9. #8

Dear Darlin',

Maybe we can be together again? In this lifetime or the next, I hope someday to find you again, wherever it is you are. I just want to see your face again, and see your smile, to just hold you in my arms and lay by your side for a while? Is it really that much to ask, to want to be with the person you love most in the whole entire world?

There has been a pain in my chest for so long, since you've been gone. I remember the first time a girl broke my heart, I wandered around with this anchor in my heart for three months. I couldn't comphrehend why she had broken up with me. I thought we had had everything, that we loved each other, or at least were close to it. 

With you, it was worse. Because there was no way you  _chose_ to leave me. You just had to, because it was your turn to go. The tears stream down my face at random times anymore. We're finally back on tour, and I'll start crying in the middle of random songs- I even started crying during What Makes You Beautiful the other day. It reminded me of you ducking your face whenever I tried to take your picture for my insta.

The pressure over my chest has not disapeared yet, and you have been dead and gone for nineteen months and twelve days. I just want to hear your voice and feel your touch and know you are besides me...

I want to come home to you again, Darlin'. I want you again. And I swear I will find a way to have that once more. 

Forever Yours,  
 _Harry x._

P.S. I love you still. Always have, always will. Please, help this pain go away? I just want to be happy again...

 


	10. #9

Dear Darlin',

Everyone said that writing to you would make the pain go away, but all it's doing is make me feel worse. The hole in my heart is just growing and I fear it will never go away. I want to stop writing, I want to fill this vast gap within, but I will never find a way to bury these emotions.

When I stop writing, my hands ache. My entire body shook when I tried to stop thinking about you. I woke up in a cold sweat the other night, your face etched into my mind like a banksy painting sprayed on a concrete wall and shellacked over to never be removed. 

I started sleeping three hours without waking and thought I was getting better, but now, I haven't slept in days. I try and try, but all I do is roll around in the dark before taking a cold shower and trying to work myself to exhaustion. Nothing's working. I work out, I work on trying to write music that won't ever come to me anymore. Your end ruined me, mind, body, and spirit.

I pray now. I never used to pray because you were my shining light, my very own angel. And after, I knew there could be no one above because if there was, you wouldn't be gone- I would.

Niall tried to tell me that crap they give to kindergartners when their grandparents die, all about how you were called back to the place where you truly belonged, how God wanted you in heaven, how the best flowers are the first to be picked from the garden. He's still babying me now, months later. Am I really that fragile? I don't need to be fed all that flowery wording. I don't need anything.

I know he's pulled an  _Illusion_ and started writing songs all about our relationship, the before, the during, the after, the now. I really hope none of that crap makes it in. You aren't some ridiculous metaphor or turn of phrase, you are pure words. You were lightness and joy, happiness and glee, the arms to come home to at night, the face on the other side of the pillow when I slept and when I woke. You were love.

Damnit- I can't keep going on like this, Darlin'. It's getting so hard to hold on and I just want to move past this because I am sick of only ever seeing your face, of never having the chance to dream of anything except my worst nightmare, the one I relive every time I close my eyes. It's time to move on, but there are only so many ways I can  _truly_ be past this.

Forever Yours,  
 _Harry x._

P.S. They say there will come someone else someday, but I doubt it. We both know that can't be true. It will always be you. You, and only you.

 


	11. #10

Dear Darlin',

I dreamt of you last night. It wasn't your last moments, either. It was a real, solid dream, or as solid as one can be. I even slept the whole night through, probably because I got to spend it with you, instead of in an empty flat in an empty bed without someone to call my own.

You were so beautiful, Darlin'. Your eyes sparkled with your delicate smile, the special one you saved just for me. Your hair was tucked back into a messy bun, piled on top of your head in a careful yet effortless pile. One of my T-shirts covered your body, the dark black material bringing out how washed out your skin was in comparison to life. That was the only tell that it was a dream, the glow to your skin unlike anything I'd seen except for before they closed the casket on your body.

It was just like before, when you would wake up so early before I did, especially those mornings after I had come home from a long tour. I could even smell breakfast coming from the other room, the rich scent of bacon and eggs and that special aroma your pancakes always brought to the flat. You even had a strip of bacon in your hand, trying to pull me out of bed like you did before.

But instead of teasing me and dragging me into the kitchen like you used to, you pulled me against you and talked. There were so many questions I wanted to ask, so many things I wanted to say. I didn't even find the oppurtunity to tell you how much I love you, because every time I opened my mouth you pressed a gentle finger to my lips and smiled before continuing to explain things to me.

You told me to stop writing, that it wasn't helping, and to be happy where I am. That I need to move on and get passed what's in my mind and see the world around me. You said so many things I can't even scribe it all down, but it made sense in the moment and it made sense when I woke up and it makes sense now. 

You want me to be happy, like I would want you to be happy if it had happened to me. And I can't really come back to what we were, but it still feels like I can't find that happiness. You told me that, your last words, last night:  _Let go and be happy._

Let go and be happy.

But I can't, not without you. I woke up crying after that. I sat up in bed, the sheets falling off of my body. I didn't even notice the dark of the room or the tears streaming down my face. I was so caught up in the mystical feeling of the ghost of your hand and its gentle touch on my cheek, the scent of you still caught up in my nostrils.

But I'll try to be happy, for you. I took the first step once I thought through that dream. The pills I had tucked in my side table are gone and down the dream, because you wouldn't want that. This life, it's for you now, so I can't get caught up in my emotions anymore.  

There were things you wanted to do, that we never really had the chance to try because of my restrictions. So now I'll live, live for you and live for me. I'll set aside this pain that I have been running from and face my demons because it is time. It's time to go on.

Forever Yours,  
 _Harry x._

P.S. I love you and I always will. I hope I'm making the choices you'd want me too. I'm not going to run anymore. There is no getting past you, but I can live for you and that's the best I can offer you, myself, or anyone.

This is the last one, just like you asked. It's sad to see these go, but maybe it's for the best? But I'll never stop, I swear. 

_I love you, Darlin'._


	12. #00

Dear Darlin',

I know I said I'd stop writing, since you said it was bad for both of us, but I couldn't help it. Not this time. But this is my last letter to you, I swear. For real, this time. 

It's your favourite time of year. The air is crisp and hangs there, sort of like it's waiting for something great to finally happen. The wind bit against my cheeks as I was walking. The leaves hustle through the air on the wind, like they have somewhere busy to go, like they have some secret agenda the rest of us don't know about. 

People walk by in their sweaters, carrying the pumpkins we should be carving. But it doesn't make me sad anymore, to see them go by. Even seeing kids running in the park, like the ones we always said we'd have someday, just makes me smile. I think it's better to remember the happiness, to push through it all, and to think of the smiles and the laughs. 

I remember you always joked about us going to the US and dressing up, and I would go as myself but swear to anyone who asked that there was no way it was me. I was always on tour whenever October came, or preparing for a new album. This time, we finished the summer legs and I came back. There were no expanded plans, and for the first time since we got off X-Factor, no one knows where we're going.

The truth is I got lost without you, waking up with half a blue sky. I was half a heart, I still am, but it's getting easier to deal with being half a soul. I can't stop missing you, because I am half of me. But its getting easier to bear this weight, and while there's half of me, I have to live for two now.

I couldn't help but think of you as I headed outside to walk Channing a few mornings ago. He misses you almost as much as I do. So I took him out yesterday, and we took the tube instead of just our normal walk. I just stood outside the perimeter for the longest time. I wanted to go in and say hello to you, but I couldn't bring myself to. 

This morning, I finally got up the nerve and walked in for the first time since that dream all those long months ago. I carried some of that pumpkin spice stuff you loved so much. I don't really see the appeal, but I drank it and it warmed me like your memory does.

The leaves were nestled over your grave. Someone had come by and put those purple flowers you always liked on the headstone. Some fans managed to find it too, and there are letters and flowers and collages of us all over. They've enshrined your memory forever, so I'm not the only one carrying you around. 

I think that's a good thing, because if I ever go I want the world to remember me for you, for all you did for me. You made me a better man, and everyone knows it. Even the least ardent fans know what the girl from the park did for Harry Styles, and I hope everyone everywhere knows that, because you were the light of this city, Darlin'.

But I know you would kill me over again if I came to you or even tried to take myself up there. I know it'll be hard- it is hard- but I'll find a way to keep living for you. You didn't get the chance, and so it's my responsibility to live for both of us. I'll do all those things we promised we'd do. 

Forever Yours,  
 _Harry x._


	13. #-

Louis, Zayn, Liam, Niall,

Take care of each other, please. Know I will always love you, all of you, but right now I need some time to myself. I have some things I have to figure out, and I cannot do it if I am constantly on tour and running around like we have been for so long.

I miss her, lads. I miss her so much. I miss her and now she's gone and I can't ever get her back because she went away and left me in the easiest way. I didn't want to tell you all, because you would say I was going crazy, but I saw her a while ago. She came to me a few times, and more than just seeing her face in every crowd. I saw her watching me when I went to her grave, and she followed me as I walked home.

We talked- I know that's crazy- but she made a whole lot of sense. I needed to stop writing all those letters to her, and I needed to move past her so she could move on. 

I need to see the world some, and not just from the windows of a tour bus. I want to go out and meet people and explore cultures and grow and learn and understand the world that we've flown over and landed in but never really  _known._  I need to see it like she and I always promised each other we would do. We said we would do it together, but now she's gone and I have to do it for both of us. 

I promise I will be back, someday. For now I need this, I need to be on my own.

Love Always,  
 _Hazza_.

P.S. I wrote my mum a letter, too. I left it in a box on the counter with the others. Please distribute them as they should be: the fans, management, my therapist, the man at the bar. They're all labeled so it shouldn't be too hard.

 


End file.
